In part, this is because I've had sick children, and was a bit sick myself. But mostly, I suspect I haven't written, because I recognized that if I were to continue writing, I would be accountable to you.... and I didn't want that...
Because... I don't know why. I guess it's because I only had three pounds to lose.
I know. I sound insane.
Not three pounds total, but three pounds until I reached that initial goal of losing 100 pounds.
So why not keep sharing?
I told you I started out at 307. Well, I've been teetering around 210 for over a month now. I don't get on the scale every day, but I know when I'm actively trying to lose weight, and when I am not. And something inside of me seems to be preventing me from actually hitting that milestone.
I can see that mile marker. It's literally spitting distance in front of me... and I choke. Almost, as if on purpose, I sabotage myself. I quit moving forward. I don't move backwards, but I don't work towards progress. I wonder, sometimes, if perhaps there is a deep down feeling of unworthiness? Like, perhaps I don't feel like I'm "good enough" to reach that first goal. Or perhaps I'm afraid of success... afraid that once I reach that goal, the other shoe will drop and I won't be able to keep moving forward (as has been my previous experience).
Whatever the hindrance, I've had enough. I can no longer accept the compliments and encouragement of well-wishing friends, knowing that I'm purposefully sabotaging any future progress.
So, that being said- I'm writing again.
Because I need the accountability.
Because I need to believe that I CAN AND WILL reach this first goal, and continue thriving, growing healthier and closer to my goals with each day that passes.
I refuse to give up. I refuse to stay where I am any longer. Today is the first day of the rest of my life... and I won't waste one more second trying to prevent myself from becoming the woman God intended me to be- health and all.
So thanks for reading. Without you, I'd have no accountability.