Wednesday, February 20, 2013

ACCOUNTABILITY. Day 1... again.

I know it's been a while since my last post.

In part, this is because I've had sick children, and was a bit sick myself.  But mostly, I suspect I haven't written, because I recognized that if I were to continue writing, I would be accountable to you.... and I didn't want that...

Because...  I don't know why.  I guess it's because I only had three pounds to lose.

I know.  I sound insane.

Not three pounds total, but three pounds until I reached that initial goal of losing 100 pounds.

So why not keep sharing?

I told you I started out at 307.  Well, I've been teetering around 210 for over a month now.  I don't get on the scale every day, but I know when I'm actively trying to lose weight, and when I am not.  And something inside of me seems to be preventing me from actually hitting that milestone.

I can see that mile marker.  It's literally spitting distance in front of me... and I choke.  Almost, as if on purpose, I sabotage myself.  I quit moving forward.  I don't move backwards, but I don't work towards progress.  I wonder, sometimes, if perhaps there is a deep down feeling of unworthiness?  Like, perhaps I don't feel like I'm "good enough" to reach that first goal.  Or perhaps I'm afraid of success...  afraid that once I reach that goal, the other shoe will drop and I won't be able to keep moving forward (as has been my previous experience).

Whatever the hindrance, I've had enough.  I can no longer accept the compliments and encouragement of well-wishing friends, knowing that I'm purposefully sabotaging any future progress.

So, that being said- I'm writing again.

Because I need the accountability.

Because I need to believe that I CAN AND WILL reach this first goal, and continue thriving, growing healthier and closer to my goals with each day that passes.

I refuse to give up.  I refuse to stay where I am any longer.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life... and I won't waste one more second trying to prevent myself from becoming the woman God intended me to be- health and all.

So thanks for reading.  Without you, I'd have no accountability.

I told you- in it with you.  We'll get there, friend!

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